thoughts of a 40-year old virgin

by Evans Yonson

(Note: I wrote this piece in 2009.)

barcelona – it’s been more than 2 months since i left the philippines. many things have happened since. cagayan de oro has been flooded immediately after the new year started. i have moved to a new place. i have been admitted to the university. there are have been many changes since.

what are these changes? how do these affect one’s present? and one’s future?

looking at my photos of recent and distant past, i see nothing but sheer happiness. i could never imagine my own photo without a smile. God knows how i hate my own frowning moments. i need to smile and that’s it. these days, i am having second thoughts of smiling before that mechanical/digital thing. why? the lines are showing. the laugh lines. the forehead wrinkles.

i am differently-abled. as a polio victim, i have always been discouraged to climb a tree, learn how to ride a bike and so on. everything was not spontaneous then. i have to think twice before doing something or before going somewhere. my parents would have to consider of all things, my physical inabilities. after living away from family, i have come to terms with this fact of life. i could not change it. i might as well deal with it head-on. what do i do? risk everything. climb a mountain. walk a canopy. ride a rollercoaster. last year, i learned how to swim and i maybe slow then but i know i learned. this year, i want to learn how to bike. next year, ice skiing.

my nephews and nieces are grown-ups already. i have a grandchild by my niece. people do grow up. and they do it fast. wasn’t it 25 years ago when i was just a senior high school student? and another niece is entering college in June. and yet? here i am still in school. one nephew asked me once, “when are you going to stop studying?” and he said, “i am young and yet i’m already tired.” so i gladly replied with much authority and expertise, ” life is a continuous process that you never cease studying till you’re lying inside a box.”

religion has never been an issue to me. i am a devout Catholic. but as i began to see the world and really understand its peculiarities, i begin to question and search for more meanings and answers. i believe that i have a personal relationship with a Supreme Being. but if i were to be borne again and asked what religion would i rather have, i would say buddhism in the first life, hinduism in the second, islam in the third, and so on. it all boils down to loving one another, doing no harm, and valuing life.

i came to terms with my sexuality when i was younger. but relationships, i mean real relationships with men come occasionally. i don’t go out and look for mr. right. i wait and wait. i don’t hurry things. i have had 3 or 4 real relationships. my partners were great in bed among other things. but we always ended up me giving up the relationship. just when we were in the pinnacle of life, then i called it quits. i don’t have any regrets. i loved my men. and i know they have loved me in return. but they always ended up crying and not me. it’s dramatic, i know. one cried in the airport. another at my door. another in the park. i was so mean and still am… waiting for the next guy to come.

there is no point of thinking about the now and the future. i have been shaped by my past. i have done things, mean things, bad things, really bad things. but i also had my share of the good and the beautiful. i don’t need to worry about what the future holds for me. i let it stand there and wait for me. after all, i am 40. and i am still a virgin.