sending off… seeing through…
by Evans Yonson
Barcelona – people love goodbyes. me, i simply abhor it. i’m a drama queen but i hate it when people tell me that they want to see me go at the airport. nor me sending my siblings take off.
some people are gifted with charms. others with beauty. still others with tongues. others with wit. i believe that i have this gift (or probably a curse) of seeing future events through my sleep.
flashback april 1990 – when i left cagayan de oro for the first time going to manila, i saw my father for the last time sleeping in the couch. he was too tired to see me off. i was just so eager to leave and go to the capital. it was to be my last glance at him alive.
flashforward august 1990 – a day before my father had his last stroke, i saw his funeral in my dreams. i was standing infront of a lot of people. when i woke up, i didn’t know why i was there and whose funeral was that until my Diko (my second older brother) came to tell me the news.
flashback april 2004 – when i left cagayan de oro for the nth time going to manila, i saw my mother for the last time awake in the same couch. she was so sick to see me off. she waved her last at me as i slowly walked away from the home that i have known all my life.
flashforward may 2004 – four nights before nanay was rushed to the hospital, i saw what happened at the emergency room on that fateful day in May. i really didn’t bother calling Cagayan de Oro because i spoke to her the day before that. when my brother called me up, i knew the moment has arrived. they couldn’t decide for themselves. they needed to consult me when i was a thousand kilometers away. she breathe her last early morning of that fateful sunny day in May.
why am i telling you all these? because through the years i have developed what the experts might call separation anxiety and the third eye. these are two separate cases. i really don’t know how these started. i myself haven’t found the reasons how all these came about. perhaps the more that i talk/write about it, the more that i will come to discover my very own person.
first, separation anxiety is defined as a condition in which an individual experiences excessive anxiety regarding separation from home or from people to whom the individual has a strong emotional attachment. whenever anyone of my siblings would stay with me in Manila before, they usually stay for a period of two months the most, we always go out almost every night. Have dinner at some fancy restaurants. Or watch a movie. Or just simply walk around the mall and kill time. Or just stay at home and watch endless films the whole weekend. Saying goodbye is the hardest part for me. Week or days before their day of departure, i easily get irritated and always find ways of creating a misunderstanding or an argument. Just senseless stuff. but i have never reached that point when my anxiety would impair my ability to conduct properly my daily life and relationships. i hope i won´t reach that point.
the third eye, as i was told, is something that everyone has. In Buddhism, it is called urna, symbol for enlightenment. The third eye is found in the forehead between the two physical eyes. It is often referred to as the eye of consciousness for it is with this eye that we all in truth really see and perceive the many dimensions and levels of reality. We do not see with our physical eyes, but with our mind and the eye of consciousness. i tried asking experts about developing my third eye but it turned out that most of them require a certain amount to help me out. they are eyein something else. probably glancing at my credit card. so i just let my eyes be.
last year when i decided to go home to the Philippines. two weeks prior to that, i really had a very disturbing dream. in this scene were my Nanay (mother) lying in her hospital bed pointing to what looked like a brown envelope. i said disturbing because this was the very first time that i dreamt of the past. this time it was in full vivid colors. i called Vya in the Philippines to tell her what exactly i saw.
“i called to tell you something about Nanay‘s dying moments,” i said.
sensing that i was serious, she just said, “ok go on.”
“the hospital curtains are green. there’s a window on Nanay’s right side. another behind her bed. the bed was set in the middle part of the room. there was a chair on the right side. there was a brown envelope on a black cushioned chair on the left side (Nanay’s right side as she was lying in bed). she was pointing at the envelope with her right hand. the dextrose was injected on her left arm side,” i slowly and clearly related.
“how did you know all these things when you were in Manila that time,” she asked.
“i dreamt about it last night,” i replied.
because she couldn’t believe what i was telling her, she passed the phone to Manoy (my older brother) and i related the same thing to him. and he confirmed everything i saw in my dreams.
it’s all connected to one single thing: relationship. the stronger the relationship, the more intense the goodbyes will be. this i really avoid doing especially in airports. i have seen a lot of goodbyes, and it’s no joke to be crying pails and people watching you. on my way to london this month, i sat beside a young man and her mom. an hour before we landed at Heathrow, the young man started crying no end. He was sobbing. Really sobbing. The mom was bringing her son to London, where he will be studying in an English university, i overheard their conversation. the mom just let her son cry. this f**king mom was so mean. she just looked at him the next 25 minutes until the Boeing came to a stop. The young man then realized that people were already standing and staring at him.
years of relationship would set your mind on a certain level of awareness of the other people’s physical, mental, and psychological being. the wink of an eye. the nod of your head. the frown. the biting of the lips. even a pat on the back. these are just symbols of one’s relationships with others. they go on deeper as years pass by with all the experiences -bad and good- being shared among each other.
it may be the third eye. it may be not. but what matters most is the relationship that we have. separation or no separation, there will always be anxiety. whether near or far, seeing through and beyond is a sure sign that a relationship has indeed grown, deeper and stronger.